Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions abuse.



“One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” – The Glass Castle, Jeanette Walls


If I had only known the quote above would sum up my life.

Today’s topic is heavy but I hope that some might find it relatable. Before I begin, I just want to clarify that I had a great childhood in a lot of aspects. I spent most of my time running around with my siblings, catching fireflies in my grandparent’s backyard, taking family vacations to tropical locations and letting my imagination run wild.

With that being said, we all have moments in our lives that have scarred us. Moments that created our childhood trauma. I don’t like to reminisce on the early days of my childhood since remembering them brings on a sense of fear, dread and sadness. My mom, siblings and I were victims to the emotional and mental abuse brought on by my birth father. I vividly remember hiding in the den behind a large yellow blow-up ball during one of my parent’s heated arguments. There were countless nights I would wake up to them screaming at the top of their lungs and the cops that would show up. To this day when someone raises their voice, I revert back to my inner child and wish nothing more than to hide in a closet.

Only once in my life did I ever witness my birth father hit my mother against the basement door of our home, but it’s cemented in my mind for life.

I can’t imagine what it was like to walk in my mom’s shoes and I want it noted that I understand now as an adult that she was in a situation she didn’t know how to get out of. She didn’t deserve the treatment she recieved from him. She was a good mom that took care of her kids and worked as much as she could to provide for her family. She was just with the wrong person. I know that what she went through made her who she is today. I’m not sure how she found the bravery to leave that situation but eventually she did and filed for divorce. I was relieved when my parents were no longer together, even though that didn’t stop them from arguing over the phone.

I always wanted a mom who could be my friend.

I’ve struggled to get along with her since adolesence. I can’t recall the earliest memories I had with her, although I do try to at times, but I choose to believe she was a different person then. I like to imagine the walks we would take on the canal and the fun I must have had sitting on the floor with her playing with toys. The earliest memory I have of us when I was probably about two was hitting the top of the stroller so my mom could look at me through the little skylight. The only evidence I have of the past other than that memory are pictures. I also wonder if our relationship would have been different had I been an only child, though I assume it wouldn’t have been. I wish I could look through a glass ball and see us back then. I guess I just wish things could have turned out differently for us. For her.

I didn’t write this post to bash my mom for all of her mistakes- I wrote it for those who have suffered narcassism and trauma in hopes to help heal others.

I will never truly know what made my mom who she is today but I know the trauma she endured she never fully healed from. Add that to raising three kids, putting herself through school and working two-to-three jobs at a time to make ends meet. It was a lot. So it makes sense why she was always stressed out. It doesn’t excuse her behavior but I understand her a little more now.

As I became a teenager, threats were made towards me about having me locked up in a mental facility or having me arrested just for acting out, being grabbed and put into a hold I wasn’t able to get out of when she would become physically abusive. I was once left at Party City during an argument between us and had to call a friend to bring me home since she refused to, then was left on the side of the road to walk to work a few years later. She came back for me but it scared me.

If anyone was a punching bag for her though, it was my dad. Their relationship was healthy and happy in the beginning but over the years became toxic. He suspected her cheating the year I was pregnant with my daughter. Neither one of us wanted to believe it but eventually the truth came to light and he was correct. My heart ached for him and my siblings. When I confronted her about it, she brushed it off as though it had no meaning to her. It bothered me that it seemed to her as though nothing was wrong. Throughout high school I begged my dad to leave her knowing he deserved better.

I’ve only ever wanted my mom to enter therapy the way I did so she could heal. I’m not sure she ever will but an ounce of hope still lies within me.

I’m happy to say the tables have turned for the better- we now have a friendship although she remains at a distance. I want her to know my kids and I no longer want to hold any anger or resentment towards her. Though there’s still much healing to do, I enjoy having her as a part of my life.

Over the past year, I’ve begun learning how to harness my emotions when they want to control me. It’s an uphill battle trying to rewire your body: my emotions have controlled me most of my life and my brain is just hell somedays to live in. I have the “glass half-empty” mindset. There’s always something missing or something wrong. Upon meeting my husband, he’s helped me do a one-eighty. He’s showed me how to laugh at life when things become stressful, how to be grateful for even the smallest things, how to embrace nature- allowing myself to let go of my controls and get dirty (this one is still really tough for me), how to have fun, hell, he even taught me how to create boundries for myself instead of watching me be a doormat to everyone. In the very beginning of our relationship he taught me how to take care of myself again when I was severely depressed. Everything healthy that I’ve learned came from him. I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. He pushes me to be a healthier, stronger, better version of myself. I always thought that soulmates were meant to complete you but I’ve learned I’m complete on my own. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert, “People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

It’s so easy to want to stay in your comfort mode. It’s easy to blame someone else for your problems. It’s easy to walk away when things get tough. It’s hard to push yourself to do the things you know you should do. It’s hard to apologize. It’s hard to stay when things aren’t perfect.

Dealing with a narcassistic parent has made it difficult to know what love truly is and what it means to put someone else first. Trying to turn the wheel around and steer the ship the other way has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do.

Somedays I win and somedays I lose. I’ll easily become stressed over small things and have no clue how to handle what I’m feeling. It even still feels “normal” to start a fight over something stupid with my husband when that’s not what I really want. I not only want to, but have to, control my emotions for my daughter’s sake if for no one else. It’s up to me to teach her that it’s okay to play in the dirt and get your clothes dirty. I spent a lot of time playing outside when I was little but somewhere along the way I lost touch with who I was- a carefree little girl who just wanted to run barefoot in the grass without a worry in the world about whether or not I would have to do laundry later. I will say I’m still not a fan of mud though. Mud spikes my anxiety so I don’t let my daughter near it, just dry dirt. She loves playing in the rain even when it’s pouring. I swear she would live outside if she could! I’ve started exploring bugs with her as well- she loves looking for centipedes under rocks! I’m beyond grateful that my daughter has a dad who lets her explore the world and to have a husband who’s fixing parts of me he probably never imagined he would.

I’m in therapy and probably will be the rest of my life whenever it’s needed but I’m okay with that too. Therapy is just one tool that I’m using to heal my inner child who’s spent years frightened and unsure of herself.

My eating habits not only contribute to my physical health but my mental as well. I’ve learned that sugar is my enemy. I can no longer indulge in the sweets that I used to or I find myself becoming a worse version of myself. It increases my anxiety, makes me crave more sugar, creates an imbalance in my hormones and gives me headaches when I go through withdrawl. I’m currently working on kicking my sugar addiction to the curb for good but that will be another post for another time.

My daughter and husband have been the best therapy of all. It’s healthy to exit your comfort zone and discover and let go of those controls. Kids are fearless and I want to be too. I want my baby to grow up saying how much fun she had splashing in puddles on a rainy day while other kids were stuck inside. She keeps me moving too!

The point of this article is to show you that you can overcome your trauma and heal from narcasism. Though it’s a painful process, you can overcome it. You are not your parents. You are you. You choose who you want to be. You are not your past. You get to choose your future.

So who do you want to be?

Disclaimer: The author of this site is not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or medical professional. All information posted on this blog is about personal experiences written by the author. If you know someone or are experiencing a crisis, please contact 988 (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), 911, your local emergency department or licensed medical professional.