Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

I know what you’re thinking– ‘not another person talking about God.’

I know because I’ve been there more than once. So many times I’ve found myself reading an Instagram post of a celebrity I follow or a musician talking about God, wondering why they had to go that route. I remember a specific instance when I saw an actress I follow post about her baptism and I thought, “really?” It was annoying to say the least. I couldn’t fathom why so many people were talking about their spiritual journey.

It wasn’t until I found Him that I understood.

I’m not here to preach to anyone or tell you what to believe. I’m also not religious; there’s a difference between religion and following Him. I don’t go to church and frankly I’m glad I don’t. I’m sure it’s wonderful but it’s just not for me or my family. I wholeheartedly believe that if someone wants a relationship with God, they have to find Him at their worst. You can tell someone all day until you’re blue in the face to believe but they won’t if they don’t want to. My poor grandparents tried for years to get my siblings and I to believe. I had to be at my lowest point in order to do so. That’s when everything changed for me.

I began to see how He was working on things in my life, which also meant accepting the bad things I was dealing with. There’s a misconception where people think when you find God that your life is suddenly all sunshine and rainbows. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

It was really hard for me at first to accept that I had to let go and give Him my life. I’ve always been a control freak. I was angry, hurt and sad. I carried resentment around which caused me pain. Yet, I started attending a Bible study group with my mother-in-law and began listening to Christian podcasts. I wanted to know Him and see what He could do. I was tired of controlling everything, it wasn’t getting me anywhere. Attending Bible study helped give me a sense of community and structure. It gave me a safe place to talk to people about God. It also helped me bond more with my mother-in-law.

Truth be told, I’m not good at reading my Bible. I was at first- I followed a woman on Instagram who did virtual Bible studies I took part in regularly. I listened to Girls Gone Bible on a daily basis which is still my favorite podcast! Listening to women talk about their journeys helped me begin mine and understand His Word more. I made a Christian friend named Luzz who is now my internet bestie and listens to them too! We live across the country from each other but I’m so blessed to have her as a friend!

As time went on, I started seeing God in my everyday life and my world grew brighter. The Earth and its animals became more beautiful and miraculous to me, I became more patient with myself and others, I see things in a positive light when I didn’t before. Even the rough days I know won’t last forever and are necessary in order to have the good ones. I now feel convicted when I do something I know isn’t healthy for me. If I find myself rushing, I know it will only ensue chaos and that means it’s not a good idea to do what I want to do in that moment. It’s God’s protection from something.

I no longer have anxiety or stress over things I used to and am much more grounded.

As much more beautiful my life has become it’s also had it’s challenges. We live in a world that tells us to be selfish and always give ourselves immediate gratification. I’ve struggled with selfishness my whole life and am still a work in progress. Some of it has to do with protecting myself too. You never know what someone else’s agenda might look like. I’ve always held a ‘glass half-empty’ mindset and turning that around has been the hardest part of it all. I still have moments or days where I don’t feel bubbly or grateful but I’m only human.

Loving Jesus doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. No one is perfect except for Him. We are humans with emotions. We have jobs, families, financial stresses. I’ve had to learn to harness my emotions so they don’t control my life.

I found God when I was alone. Everything I knew at the time I thought was falling apart. I needed someone I could count on and trust. Someone who wouldn’t let me down or dissapoint me. I was laying on the couch and my old apartment looking up at the sky. I said, “God, if you’re there, I need you. I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to be alone.” That was October 2023.

It took two years to fully believe and see my life through a different lense. There were days I struggled and wondered why I believed. Was it worth it? Would it change my circumstances? Would it help? I had to trust that even when I questioned it God had me. He had my back and knew the next move. It was scary trusting someone else with my life.

I rarely prayed and wasn’t sure I believed in it until one night at Bible study. The resentment I had been carrying around had become so painful. I could feel it in my chest. I asked the pastor what I could do about it or how to let it go. Something he said flipped a switch. He said that even though that person had hurt me, they were still a child of God. That though they had made mistakes, they were still a human being. It stuck with me and made me realize we all make mistakes but that doesn’t mean we are our mistakes. We’re still people at the end of the day.

While I believe there truly are evil individuals out there, I knew this person’s heart was good. I saw how sorry they were, the pain that lingered in their eyes. I watched them change into a better human while I also grew into a better me. I learned that sometimes people screw up but recognize what they did wrong and are able to grow from it. We live in such an unforgiving world where people don’t believe others can change. While some instances may call for the cold shoulder and a burnt bridge, that wasn’t a route I was willing to take. That was the difference. Forgiveness took a long time but eventually I did and moved on from it. It’s important for me to note that I’ve never been the kind of person that forgives. I didn’t know how to. God taught me how to forgive. Once I did then it was up to me how I handled it.

At the next meeting, I told the group the pain I’d been feeling was gone and I was beginning to heal. They told me they had prayed for me. I started believeing in the power of prayer that day. I saw it work first-hand. Now I pray more consistantly. I talk to God more about how I’m feeling, ask Him for forgiveness and to help me when I’m struggling with something. I no longer feel alone.

I thank Him all the time for the life He’s given me. I have a beautiful baby girl with another child on the way, and my husband is my best friend. I have a car to bring me where I need to go, a warm home and bed with running water and electricity. I have a job, though somedays it stresses me out, it allows me to pay the bills. I have an amazing family on both sides and friends that care about me. I have more than I need to be happy. I’m so blessed and it’s all because of Him.