Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

I didn’t anticipate writing this blog post, but the #2016 trend on Instagram made me dig up some old photos and stirred up some old emotions. When I looked at my old photos for the first time in years, I was filled with sadness. The emotion hit me like I ton of bricks. I didn’t realize how deeply rooted that sadness had been in me, I guess I expected it to have worn off now that I’m in a better place.

I wish I could say seventeen year old me was a happy go-lucky straight-A student, but that’d be so far from the truth. The reality was I was a depressed, C student who was just trying to survive high school. The emotion hit me like I ton of bricks. My heart aches for that young girl who felt stuck in her life. My self-esteem was non-exisistant; I used to dye my hair to help me feel better about myself instead of doing it for fun. I didn’t feel pretty enough for anyone to date.

I was a heavy rock band loving girl who was into goth fashion. Writing was my escape- I used my studyhalls to complete whatever homework I had and then worked on my stories. Writing warped me from this world to another with lustful vampires and vengeful angels. Next to writing, music was my sanity. You’d always find me with my headphones in because music was my lifeline. I remember my school counselor saying that one day and it clicked. Without music, I don’t know that I’d be here today. I needed it the way I needed oxygen to breathe.

That’s not to say I didn’t have joyful moments during my teenage years- my friend Chloe and I skipped pep ralleys and I attended end-of-the-school-year bonfires with my then-friend group. I just struggled to be happy. I struggled to find meaning in life. I dreamt of one day leaving my hometown and being out on my own.

Everytime I see something that relates to high school in some way, it makes me reflect on who I wish I would have been then. I wish I would have made myself get a job. I’ve never been athletic but I could have seen myself getting into a sport that at least made me feel a part of something important. Mind you, I tried Drama Club but it wasn’t for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I had gotten on depression meds sooner if my mind would have been in a better place. Even then though, my home life wasn’t great because my relationship with my mom had turned toxic. We constantly fought and I hated dealing with her whenever she was home. We just couldn’t live under the same roof. 

I had a friend who worked a part-time job after school and paid for things her parents didn’t. It inspired me and I wish now that I would have taken a page out of her book. She was able to finance her own car and braces. She was independent- and as hard as I’m sure that was- I’ll bet she’s glad she took that route. I was just too stuck in enjoying being a child to grow up and be responsible. I wasn’t ambitious. I could have rode my bike into town if I’d gotten a job instead of relying on people to drive me if I’d wanted to. I didn’t obtain my license until I was twenty.

As I’ve been working on this article, I’ve questioned why it is that I’m writing it. What advice do I have to give? What’s the point of it?

I guess I’m writing this for the people that have seen this trend and don’t like looking back at the past. The ones who weren’t in such a good place back then and wish they would have been. You’re not alone. There’s been many moments lately that I’ve reflected on my life, wondering if things would have been different if I had been. I see you. It’s okay to feel that way. I’m proud of you for getting through the hard days and hope you’re doing much better now.