Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

I’m terrified of making new friends.

The thought of opening up to someone new makes me want to turn invisible. My insecurities start knocking at the door. Letting my guard down so I can be vulnerable is not my strong suit- in fact, I hate being vulnerable. Unless it’s on my blog- that’s different.

Truth is, I never used to be afraid of friendships. I had a large group of friends in elementary school that I got along well with. I met my childhood best friend Corey in fifth grade! Even middle school didn’t stop me from connecting with people and that’s when my depression seeped in. The issues started when I left my previous friend group in 2019.

I met my inner circle in high school. We were like a sisterhood. It started out with five of us and then slowly it became four and then I left, leaving only the three of them. I never intentionally meant to leave the group. I wasn’t in a good headspace and my life was a mess at the start of 2019. My ex and I had just broken up, I’d quit my job since my ex and I worked together (stupid decision, I know, but it ended up working out better that way.) One of the girls truly felt and acted like a sister towards me especially when the breakup happened. She rushed over to my place upon just getting home from work when I called her to tell her what was going on. She held me in her arms as I cried and my heart felt like it was dying. She stayed by my side when my ex came to drop my things off from his place.

I truly didn’t deserve her- she was so good to me.

I began a new job around the time I moved out of my parents house for good, which struck up a fight between my mom and I. I gave my phone to my mom and purchased a new one, leaving my friends in the dark and wondering where I was. At that point in my life I had stopped caring about my inner circle alltogether. Nothing mattered to me other than having a sense of peace. I didn’t think to write down the numbers of my contacts in my old phone, so I wasn’t able to reach out to anyone. This led the girls to think I was ignoring them when I wasn’t.

It wasn’t until years later I came to realize the guilt that I had been carrying around on my shoulders. I reached out to one of the girls to apologize for how I left things to clear my conscience. That unfortunately only did me good- I was faced with backlash from the group.

The worst of it was the girl who had become like family to me. I did her wrong most of all and was terrified of reaching out to her, but I did. We agreed to meet up at a café to talk but I ended up cancelling, which I ended up regretting later. I was called names, told I was selfish and a terrible friend. As much as it hurt and still does, I deserved it. She didn’t deserve what I had put her through. She was there during some of my darkest moments and I’d turned my back on her. To this day, sometimes I still here her calling me selfish in the back of my mind. It was also brought to my attention the times I had used them- being dropped off and picked up because I didn’t yet have my license, never asking them how they were doing, how I was always negative and complaining.

I was grateful when they brought these things to my attention. I had been so caught up in my own head that I hadn’t realized what I was doing. Instead of caring for their needs I’d only cared about my own. I relied too heavily on them. I had a moment recently with someone in my life where I recognized I was using them for something. It dawned on me that the girls weren’t the only ones I’d used before- it was a pattern. After that, I vowed to never use anyone ever again. I’m proud to say I’ve stuck by that vow.

It’s been years since I’ve spoken to group. I wish them nothing but the best and hope they’ve healed from the past. Since then, I haven’t had the courage to put myself out there. It’s never seemed worth it enough. Just thinking of doing so jacks up my anxiety.

I listen to a podcast called “Whine Down” with host Jana Kramer and her friends Kristen Burst and Kathryn Woodward. While it’s my favorite podcast to listen to, I’m slightly envious of the closeness they share. It’s been so long since I’ve known the love of a sisterhood. Becoming a mother has made me more aware of the lonliness I feel in day-to-day life. I love being a mom but it’s hard when you don’t have a village. Mind you, I do have friends but they don’t live close by.

I took what I had in high school for granted. I didn’t appreciate the sleepovers, the fun group chat messages, being driven around, having people that genuinely cared about my well-being.

Being a mom has also taught me where my priorities lie- being a mom is of the upmost importance to me. If I’m not working or doing schoolwork while my husband watches our daughter, I’m with her. I worry if I find friends that want to hang out I won’t have the time to do so. My only mom friend lives in California. It’s hard to describe to those who haven’t had kids yet that it’s hard finding time to do what you want to do. That’s not to say they wouldn’t understand because they would, our lives just look different.

I don’t ever want to let someone down again the way I did before. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be. I stress over feeling like I don’t qualify to be a part of something. If I entertain the idea of it will I dissapoint them? Will they think less of me if I can’t commit to plans because I have a child to care for? Will they call me selfish if I don’t always check up on them and ask how they’re doing? I guess I won’t know the answer until I try.