Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

I hated my name growing up.

Mainly my last name. Mind you, my maiden name is German so it makes sense why so many people pronounced it wrong. Even then, it just sounded awful. Thankfully I’m married now and have taken on my husband’s last name which I love.

Prior to being married, I adopted my (step) dad’s last name in high school on social media. Reflecting on my teenage years, I wish I would have gone through with having my dad adopt me. I don’t know what legal fees that would have entailed but it would have been worth it. My first name has always sounded good with his last and in so many ways I truly am his daughter. We share many personality traits and I share his temper. My sister, who is my dad’s biological daughter, and I looked alike growing up too so no one would ever think to question whether my dad and I were related. 

My birth father exiting my life at thirteen played an important role in making me realize I wanted to go by a different name. I no longer had reason to carry it around with me. Upon going through this major change in life, I began to struggle with identity. I’d never liked my name in general but now I liked it even less becauss my father was gone. I asked myself, “what do I do now? I’m no longer who I used to be.” That chapter of my life was closed and that version of me was gone.

Senior year rolled around and that meant class rings. I’m not sure whatever happened to mine, I probably gave it to my sister, but it was sterling silver with an aquamarine stone for my birth month. Inside the ring you could include an engraving of your name. I wasn’t sure what to put so I wrote the initials of my first name- KR (my first name is a mixture of two different names.) Soon, KR became the initials I used instead of the ones I used prior. In a way, I’m grateful my first name contains two names so it could get me through that period of my life. I’m currently contemplating dropping the second part, however.

When you’re navigating a difficult time, it can make you feel like you’re the only one who’s ever been through your situation. As an adult, I now know that’s not true. Recently, I listened to an episode of Barely Famous podcast with Kail Lowry. Her son, Elliot Rivera, came on the show to talk about what it was like growing up on TV’s Teen Mom. He discussed deciding to change his name from Issac to Elliot. “I started going by Elliott because at some point I wasn’t happy with my first name because it just doesn’t feel like me,” stated Elliot. I understood what he meant. My name has never truly felt like me and honestly, I’m not sure it ever will.

Another celebrity I follow, Lindsie Chrisley, also changed her name for a short-period of time to her previous boyfriend’s last name after she had a falling out with her family. Seeing these people I followed change their names made me feel seen.

What is a name- other than what people call you? Does a name really hold a special meaning?

Photo of my best friend Corey and I in high school. Corey (left), me (right)