Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you never got the apology you deserved.

I’m sorry you were made to feel less than by the one person who should have made you feel like their whole world.

I’m sorry for the numbness you now feel in the absence of the pain that once lingered.

I’m sorry you lost your best friend, or never got to know the person who should have been your best friend from the start.

I’m sorry for the lost relationships of family members once he left.

I’m sorry for the sadness that’s turned to anger after hurting for so long.

They say a father is a girl’s first love. Mine was.

My birth father was my best friend for thirteen years of my life. What’s crazy is when I look back on time spent with him I now focus on the time I spent with his side of the family. For so long I mourned the loss of him but now I don’t even give his memory the time of day. It never used to be like that. I guess you could say I’ve healed in a lot of ways, but in others I haven’t. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have days where the old emotions turn up and I find myself upset or angry without knowing why. I still listen to the songs we used to listen to together sometimes. He’s the reason I love so many hits from the 2010-2012 era. I also think he’s the reason I became a Britney Spears fan. Some of my favorite songs include:

•”Down”- Jay Sean (a classic!)
•”Just A Dream”- Nelly (pretty much sums up how I felt after he left even though it’s a breakup song)
•”Springsteen”- Eric Church (not a pop song but this one still sits heavy on my heart)
•”Just Dance”- Lady Gaga
•”You Make Me Feel…”- Cobra Starship
•”Sweet Dreams”- Beyoncé
•”Everything You Want”- Vertical Horizon
•”Break Your Heart”- Tiao Cruz
•”OMG”&”DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”- Usher
•”I Like It”- Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull
•” Your Love Is My Drug”- Kesha
•”Airplanes”- B.O.B. feat. Hayley Williams
•”Right Now (NA Na Na)”- AKon


I used to idolize my father and thought I had the coolest parent on the planet. He introduced me to video games at a very young age (which is both good and bad), made me laugh, and always stood by my side. It felt like he always had my back no matter what.

My parents were young when they had me, my mom was seventeen. Their relationship was extremely unhealthy and toxic- they finally divorced when I was around ten or so. It might have been sooner than that but the number ten comes to mind for some reason. I was THRILLED when they finally ended things. Of course, that didn’t keep them from continuing to fight over the phone but at least they weren’t screaming at each other anymore in person. That’s a story for another time though.

Those thirteen years were the best years of my life. Summers were bliss- my brothers, cousins and I went swimming in our grandparent’s pool and spent the day playing Wii Sports Resort and Mario Kart. We’d hound my poor grandmother to finish her salad so we could go swimming! I remember the softness of the air dried towels hanging on the clothesline and the feeling of the heat from the summer sun on my skin. We’d play in the sandbox underneath the pool and pretend to dig to China. We’d scarf down as much ice cream and popsicles as we could.

Family was always coming by to visit- my aunts and uncles and my cousin’s dog Ariel. My grandparents would have a garage sale and we’d set up chairs on the driveway waiting for people to stop by to see what we had. Watching summer thunderstorms from the living room windows was the best! Even greater, their garage had a backdoor that led to the backyard and I used to love to watch the rain from there. I can still smell that garage- the scent of gasoline and metal filled the air. It was big with an upstairs loft. My grandparents also had a camper they kept out back. I went camping with them for four or five summers: hitting up Hamlin Beach, Jellystone Park, Hershey Park, and the Thousand Islands (by far my favorite camping trip ever). There might be one I’m missing.

I had the sweetest setup in my bedroom over there with a computer I frequently played games on until four in the morning. I fell asleep listening to the country radio, hoping someone would play Taylor Swift. I watched Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief and Harry Potter movies on rerun. You could hear the train at night from my bedroom, they lived right near the highway and train tracks. I slept on the most comfortable bed in the world that felt like a cloud.

The holidays were always a hit too, especially Thanksgiving. The adults played games like Banana Grams and Uker. I always tried to talk everyone into playing Scattegories which was my favorite game back then! Christmas was my grandmother playing Christmas music through their old stereo and big speakers. I loved the old ornaments she had on her tree, Pillsbury Doughboy being my favorite. You’d press his belly button and he’d go “ooh-hoo!” There were two woodburning fireplaces in their house- one in the living room and one in the family room. I still love the smell of a woodburning fire these days (but really doesn’t everyone?)

To say I miss those days is an understatement.

Once my birth father and I stopped talking everything changed. I should also mention I call him my birth father because my stepdad stepped up after he left now he is Dad to me.

The last time I visited my grandparent’s house I was eighteen. It was so quiet and awkward. As a kid, you’d walk in and all of us kids would be running around playing. That day, it was just my grandparents and I. My brothers still had a relationship with our father at the time. I walked into the living room and saw the pictures from my aunt’s wedding were still up on the bookshelves. There was a photo of my father, brothers and I with the rest of our family there. To make things more complicated I tended to be guilt-tripped by my grandparents for not talking to my father. I was thirteen when it all fell apart so I was just a kid, but I also see now as an adult that I wasn’t the best daughter. I didn’t support his new relationship with his now wife and tended to be selfish. We both were in the wrong and looking back, it all could have been solved if we could have just had a conversation about it. It didn’t end up like that though.

I think nineteen was the age I last talked to my grandparents, eighteen my aunt and uncle. I have two aunts on that side- one of them I stayed in contact with for awhile after everything happened. Unfortunately, things got odd when she guilt-tripped me about not talking to that side of the family at my daughter’s first birthday party. She was never one to get involved in family drama and I’m sure she was pressured into saying something to me. It just left a sour taste in my mouth though and I was hurt. I also felt sad that the family had pressured her into doing something she was probably uncofmtrable with. I stopped talking to her after that. It’s still painful sometimes but I don’t know that I have it in me to reach out. Maybe one day. I don’t fully blame her, I just thought we were all past that.

I hope my family doesn’t think I hate them or am mad at them. I just didn’t know how to continue a conversation with people close to the one who hurt me. I also didn’t want my daughter to have a bug put in her ear. It wouldn’t be fair to her. She has an amazing Papa, my Dad, and my mom. That’s all she needs.

The reason I’m saying all this is because I know the pain of losing relationships with family members after losing a parent. It’s not talked about often. I look back on my childhood and my heart feels full. Recalling those memories fills me with joy. Never did I think I’d have to miss that feeling. I think that’s what I miss the most- the wholesome family dynamic. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I don’t miss my father anymore and frankly, I rarely miss any moments I had with him. I’ve made peace with the past and moved on from that.

I wrote this post because recently I found myself traveling down memory lane. I know there are kids out there that have gone through what I have, specifically I know more than one woman that has either lost a relationship with their father or has been fighting to have a stable one for years. If I can help someone feel less alone then I’ve done what I came here to do. You’re not alone. I see you. I’ve felt your pain and sorrow. I’ve spent nights crying on the floor missing what once was.

I want you to know that it will get better. Maybe not now. Maybe not in a few months or maybe even years. It will take time to heal and accept. Maybe you’ll surpass me though and find peace sooner than I did.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are important. Pour the love you once poured into him, into yourself and I promise you will will be worth it.