Excerpts From An Honest Girl's Diary

You ever meet someone that just gets you?

Someone that lights up the room everytime they walk in it? Someone makes you feel seen and heard?

Well that’s how A made me feel. An unlikely friendship was formed between my birth father’s (now ex) girlfriend and I at the age of ten. She was a spunky blonde with a tongue piercing and a contagious laugh. She had the bubbliest personality. Everyone in my father’s family seemed to love her, including me. She drove a beige Chevy Impala that she let me ride shotgun in once. A introduced me to country singer Darius Rucker and we bonded over Taylor Swift.

I don’t remember if it was hers or something she found in my grandparent’s attic, but she would hide a Lambchop stuffy for me to find. I’d never heard of Lambchop- apparantely it was a kid’s show back in the day. She used to say “Lamb-choP” with an emphasis on the ‘p’ and it made me laugh. On her downtime A would make pillowcases and gave me her pink one with princess crowns on it. We planned to go to the fabric store together to pick out material to make my own but that never happened.

There’s something special about a parent’s significant other that takes on the friendship role without thinking twice. Before my dad came into the picture, that’s what A did for me.

I used to attend my grandparent’s church for events like game night and setting up Christmas decorations. I wasn’t sure I believed in God or Jesus back then but it was something fun to do. On one game night, A made me a grilled cheese sandwhich before I left- something so simple yet something that meant so much to me. She always showed interest in me and my brother’s lives and catered to our needs. She was young- my mom said twenty-two at the time I think and in college. To this day when I hear about weather warnings in a particular county in my state, I think of her because that’s where she used to live.

Sometimes she’d spend the night and I’d find her on the couch reading one of the Twilight books. I’ve been writing since I was a child and since she loved to read, I shared the stories I wrote with her. I also shared my love of singing and felt comftrable enough to perform around her. One time, I caught her sneaking in the living room to record me singing a Taylor Swift song. She told me she wanted to have it in case I became famous one day! She was my biggest cheerleader.

I’m not sure how long her and my birth father were together but my guess is a year. They never argued around us. The only time I remember the two of them having conflict was on the ride home from the 3rd of July family celebration. I don’t remember what they were arguing about, but I stepped in and told them not to argue in front of us kids. Thankfully, that shut them both up. I had heard enough of my parent’s fighting growing up and didn’t want to have to listen to them. That might sound selfish, but when you wake up in the middle of the night to your parent’s screaming at each other constantly you get tired of it.

It wasn’t long afterwards that they broke up. I remember it being around fall time because that’s when I started looking at dance studios. I wanted to take lessons somewhere so my father and I went on a hunt. I ended up deciding not to pursue it later on but wish I had. I had an issue with commitment back then. On our way home from our search, we stopped by an apartment building. We sat in the parking lot for a few minutes and I wondered where we are. I asked my father but he never gave me a straight answer. At that point, he had alleged she had been cheating on him. I assumed we were at the building where her and her now-boyfriend lived.

I remember my father crying on the couch after they broke up. I brought him tissues and tried to console him. I never learned if those allegations were true, but even if they were, it didn’t make me hate her. I just missed her being around. We were both pretty distraught over it. She seemed like such a good fit into the family. That said, my father wasn’t exactly the best person and I understood as I got older why she left. She dodged a bullet but left a wound in my heart that’s now a scar on my heart.

My father dated a couple of other girls after that, one of them being online that I never met, and the other eventually became his wife. His wife never impressed me and didn’t give off the same energy A did. She was very quiet and reserved. She bought me a t-shirt once but I didn’t like it. I never really gave her the time of day and so we never formed a friendship. No one could hold a flame to A. She had become like a sister to me. Sometimes I wonder what she’s up to- does she have kids? Is she married? Does she remember my brother’s and I? Did she miss us too when she left? I hope she’s doing well.

I even wrote a song about her once but I didn’t like it and threw it away. Some people just touch your heart and put stars in your eyes. Would it have made a difference if she had said goodbye to me first or would it have been too painful? Maybe my father made it difficult for her and she was afraid to go back. Either way, I don’t blame her.

I watched my mom go through the ringer too with a couple guys she dated that I took a liking to. One of them made the BEST cheesy garlic bread that to this day I wish I had the recipe for. He should have given it to my mom before they broke up! He also used to put grated parmasean cheese on his pizza and sometimes I still do the same.

I’m proud of both my parents for putting themselves out there after the divorce. I can’t imagine how scary dating must be, especially after having kids with someone else. They both found the people that made them happy. I’m so glad to have my dad in my life. He came into my world when I was eleven and is the best dad I can ask for and the best Papa to my daughter.

I guess this is for anyone who’s ever lost someone important to them. Someone they never thought they’d form a relationship with. Watching your parents date again is hard but it’s even harder when that partner doesn’t stick around. Sometimes it doesn’t work and that’s okay! It just takes time to heal from that. Some scars still throb sometimes to remind you how lucky you were to know someone special.